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Archive for August, 2012

Its odd coming back to a blog after leaving it for so long.  It just sits here, untouched, sleeping in cyberspace, and holding all of  the forgotten thoughts of its author.

I have come to the conclusion that my blogging habits are a pretty accurate reflection of my personal life.  There are times when I have it all together and times when I don’t.  There are times when I have clairvoyance and times I feel like I’m wondering aimlessly in the dark; the unclear times are the ones in which I can write more easily.  Other times, I just feel like…nothing, really.  See, those times when I can just float along, worry-free and void of any desire to completely understand the intricate weaving of life, are typically the best times.

I’m a chronic over-thinker.  When making any decision with multiple options, I am at a loss; deciding where to eat for dinner is better suited for a more resolved individual.  When you take that into consideration, then plug in being a mother of three children that I adore more than life itself, a husband I adore more than my children (that is horrible, right?), and the day-to-day keepin’-the-gears-of-our-lives-moving, well, it makes for a stew of interesting flavors.  Some days are sweet, but some are sour.  Some days are full of richness, and some are bland and boring.

Overall, life is pretty good.  I suppose, for the most part, I feel incredibly blessed.  I have these three beautiful little girls, an amazingly sweet and intelligent husband, and the worlds best/worst dog ever – the Marley of Golden Retrievers.  Realistically, I have nothing to complain about.  I have a good life surrounded by wonderful people.

So, what is there to think about?  Is it just self-pity?  Ignorance?  Disregard for those who have real challenges in life?  Not even close.  See, I came from less-than-favorable circumstances.  I didn’t have the worst upbringing, but it was really hard at times; in fact, there were often times that it seemed the only way to make life better was to escape into another dimension.  Since that wasn’t possible, I did the next best thing:  I prayed.  I moved forward.  I made good choices.  And you know what?  God really pulled through.

Whence do my worries come?  Honestly, I think its the way I consider life.  I am completely overwhelmed by the love that surrounds me, and I often feel unworthy of it.  Then again, I have this nagging bit in the back of my mind that thinks I will wake up one day and realize, “Oh yeah, I forgot, this life here – the one without confusion and worry – was just a dream.”

However, here I am.  Some days I never experience a waking moment that I don’t thank God for every blessing I have received.  Other days, I forget those blessings are from God, I take ownership of them, and I am ALWAYS taught in a not-so-wonderful way that I have become undeservingly conceited.  All days I seek to keep moving forward, soaking up every moment of every day, never letting a second of the beauty around me slip between my fingers.

In short, I am in awe of life – the way it churns beneath our feet, inside our bodies, and from our souls – unknowing to those who are less perceptive of it.    For some, life just moves along in a very scheduled beat.  We do this, then this, then this to get here, then there, then there.  Life for me doesn’t flow so prettily.  It goes more like this:  we do this, but why…to get here, but how…then there…wait, why did we do this to begin with and what does it all mean?

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